Episode 28: The Conclusion of this Caper
Outside the U of O smokestack (that really needs no more phallic jokes made about it), Pitlik & Tugnutt are waiting for Peter Greese, so they can get down to dirty business.
PG pulls up.
PG : Both of you, get your jock straps in here.
LP : Hey..aren't you supposed to be chasing a white bronco?
PG : No..it was getting to public, so I let him give the Greese the slip. Don't worry. I know where he's going.
RT : Where?
——- HHH & GF are driving, and listening to the radio. (KBBL, natch!)
radio : And recapping our top story, Orenthal deBusdriva is once again missing, following a high speed chase by 16 police cars. The cops lost the trail when deBusdriva threw a box of donuts out the window. Our last reports suggest that the cops are now chasing the rogue dunuts down Main St. deBusdriva, whose current whereabouts are unknown, is believed to have a young female hostage. It was not possible to get an ID on this young lady, as her head kept disappearing below the dashboard. Signing off, this is Dick Stiffie for KBBL.
GF (looks at HHH) : I warned you about the gel.
HHH : No, man…it's pronounce with a soft 'g'. And I don't use any.
GF: Nevermind. What are we gonna do about your little runaway?
HHH : Don't worry. I know where he's coming from, and I know where he's going. In fact..there's only one place he CAn go..
GF : And where is that?
HHH : Just a second..(picks up the phone). Pat? Hiscock. Listen..here's where I want you to meet me….
Orenthal is driving the bronco, speeding as much as he can.
OD :I'm not going to go down for this.
SS (with a muffle voice) : Hey..you promised that you would after I was done…
OD :That's not what I'm talking about…now don't talk with a full mouth.
SS: Where are we going anyway?
OD : To the one last peice of evidence I need to clear this whole thing up.
SS : And where's that…
OD : Down there. (gestures with his head)
SS : Down where.?
OD : At the house of Spankme
SS: Sheesh..you DO have a one track mind.
OD: No, I mean at the house of Mr. & Mrs. Spankme
(they pull into Spankme's drive way, and run to the door)
Mrs. Spankme : What are you doing here? And who is she?
OD : I need your help…
Greese, Pitlik & Tugnutt step out of the dark on the porch. Greese is holding a gun
PG : It's a little too late for all that. Now the three of you, get inside.
(they all go in, and close the door)
PG : now then…this whole affair has gotten out of hand.I'm gonna have to really grease the wheels of justice to get this mess straightened out. Pun intended.
Pitlik& Tugnutt chuckle.
OD : What are you gonna do now?
RT : All right..here's what we're gonna do. Greese came to visit us because he was concerned about our well being, since you were missing again. We then got a acall from Mrs. Spankme crying about an intruder. We raced over here, and found Spankme killing Suzy Shear in a jealous rage. In the melee, the three of you were all killed. End of story.
SS : You can't do this!! I'm a blonde!!
LP : We are doing this..and you're not a natural blonde.
OD looks at SS : How does he know that?
Out of the shadows step HHH & GF
HHH : Nobody's doing anyone! Someone's gonna pay for this. Nobody fucks Hiscock and sleeps well at night. Your plan almost worked, Greese. But you gotta get up early to pull a fast one on Hiscock.
Spankme : What are you talking about?? What's going on??
HHH : Allow me to explain everything. madam, The gentleman before you is Peter Greese, a card carrying member of the nation of Islam. This whole affair was his master plan to bring yourself & your husband to ruin. Here's how he was going to do it. He approached your husband with a business plan, in which they would both get rich by selling police information & impounded drugs to the underworld. After a while, he arranged to have your husband taken out of the picture and frame you for it. To do so, he hired Pitlik & Tugnutt here to distract you at the local bar. Getting home late, he killed your husband, and planted evidence to suggest that you & your cook here were secretly conspiring to get your husband. He walks away with the money, and the knowledge that he had destroyed another white family.
Spankme : But, if he hates white people, why did he work with Pitlik & Tugnutt?
HHH : You try finding a black athlete in Ottawa since the Roughriders folded. He needed people with star power, but that needed more money. The Senators was the logical choice.
PG : You forget though..I have the gun, and two hockey players on my side.
GF: Look outside laddie, and you're bollocks will climb into your nose!!
LP : Greese..the house is surrounded by a bunch of drunk Irish guys.
PG : What are they doing?
LP : Playing soccer…
GF :That's right. And a single gunshot will get them a riotin'..and you don't want that, no ya don't!!
HHH : The gig is up, Greese Monkey!!
SS: Oh Hiscock..you're so brilliant. (runs and gives him a kiss)
HH spits… : Goddamn it woman!! What the hell was that crap in your mouth?? (once more..let us never do this again!)
OD : That's 100% Orenthal juice, baby!!
HHH : I can't believe you cheated on me!! (as police sirens are heard in the background). I may have won the case, but I just don't car about law after this. My heart has been broken. I need to get away from it all. Goodbye.
As the police pull up, HHH walks out of the house, and down the street. “Work for Love” by Ministry plays in the background(mainly because that's what I'm listening to right now).
Next: As Hiscock picks up the peices of his life. Where does he go from here. What path will his life take? And don't miss the exciting intro of Biggie Balls aka Notorious B.A.L., and the creation of Jehovah's Wetness. And just what the hell is Balzupyurhozza??